shelf-help
i can't help myself but to tell you about this
a book report for now
I can probably count the number of self-help books I’ve read on one hand, which tells you about the amount of help I still need.
At the cusp of 30, I came across Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood by Satya Doyle Byock after reading an interview of the author in Culture Study, though I wish this book had been around when I was 22.1
Regardless of what cultural generation you’re part of, this stage of life, the quarterlife, is the most formative stage of coming into your own person, the book posits. And as a society, we all need to be collectively devoting more attention to and supporting quarterlifers in this journey if we ever aspire to live in a more harmonious society with, you know, actual mature people who have reached actual psychological adulthood.
As put gracefully by the author:
True psychological adulthood is a kind of maturity that is about balance, a dynamic play between being part of a community and a conscious individual too. It is about finding one’s way toward both stability and meaning, like a union between order and chaos, civilization and nature, or one’s humanness and one’s divinity. It is a symbiotic relationship in which the two parts of oneself each have a distinct role to play, like a surfboard for the ocean waves, a fireplace for fire, or a goblet for wine.
What exactly this journey means is different for everyone, but Doyle Byock devises a framework that translates this precarious journey into four, non-linear pillars of development: Separate, Listen, Build, and Integrate.
To tell this tale, she creates characters representing the two types of people in this world, the Stability types and Meaning types. Of course, everything’s a spectrum, but buckets are a useful tool. Stability types are those who have strived for structure and security in their life and Meaning types are those who can’t help but to chase freedom and follow every whim of their soul. Stability types are the ones who’ve checked all the boxes and Meaning types don’t know what boxes are. This is the classic disgruntled banker vs starving artist dichotomy. The brain and the heart. Growth comes when both can thrive in harmony.
And you’re probably nodding along knowing exactly which one you are. I can categorize most of my friends instantly. Comment below if you want your reading.
Anyway, four pillars, two types. Nothing is hard and fast and growing up is a continuous process. This is the premise of the book.
The first pillar, Separate, refers to the newfound independence, whether that be emotionally, physically, financially, or psychologically, that must happen for our plot to take off. This can be hard for various reasons, sometimes tangibly obvious (like if you live with your parents) and sometimes not (like the hardened fetters of childhood beliefs).
To Listen is to know what is “you” versus everything else that everyone else believes you to be, or has told you to be. To trust that there is an authentic voice in your head, and to be able to distinguish what it’s saying. To believe that your own needs, wants, and wishes are real and deserve space in the world. But in order to hear yourself, you need to heal yourself. And only then, can one know thyself.
I see Build as putting it all into action. If you know who you are and what you want, then you need to identify the tools do you need to construct that life in which you can thrive. Whether that’s learning how to feed yourself, or learning what brings you joy. And then building the muscle to do it.
And lastly, we come to Integrate. To be honest, I remember this chapter the least.2 I think the gist of this was to synthesize what you’ve learned from the other pillars. To figure out how to make it all sustainable. To honor all of your multitudes and reconcile yourself whole.
However, the journey of Quarterlife is not merely a search for a partner and career, but for oneself. The ultimate goal is for an experience of wholeness: a life that no longer feels like one thing on the inside and another on the outside. The search is for a cessation of the plaguing longing for something else, something more. Quarterlifers often desire greater security, safety, and social stability, as well as a sense of adventure, experience, and personal meaning. We need sturdy structures for consistency and we need the mystery, intimacy, and even uncertainty that gives life warmth and purpose too.
I didn’t intend for this to be a book report, but I’ve been sitting on this section of this post for a few days because right here is supposed to be where I say that this book gave me whole new perspective, three major takeaways, immediately actionable items, and as a result, I have figured out my life. No book could ever, though I still highly-recommend this book. It just so happens that writing a book report was easier than divulging partly-processed thoughts.
This book certainly offered compelling perspectives and some interesting exercises I’ve been thinking through by myself, with friends, and my therapist.3 But the best thing the book has given me is solace through structure. It’s a beautiful reminder that growing up is a hard journey that, while wonderfully rambling, doesn’t have to be directionless.
In any case, my book report oversimplifies everything. No one in the history of the world has ever beelined their way to “having it figured out."So if you’re still reading this, I assume you could probably figure it out a bit more. In which case, just help yourself and buy the book.
a bildungsroman mixtape
angsty, intimate, universal, (and happy, free, confused and lonely in the best way it's miserable and magical, oh yeah)
Teeth by Mallrat
Apple Music . Spotify . SoundCloud . Youtube Music
lesson by Gia Margaret
Apple Music . Spotify . SoundCloud . Youtube Music
Dull Life by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Apple Music . Spotify . SoundCloud . Youtube Music
Time Escaping by Big Thief
Apple Music . Spotify . SoundCloud . Youtube Music
experiments
February Results: semi-clean slates
My predictions are here, and I’d say only the first three were true.
I wanted to start out every day in February with a blank computer, as if to reflect my clarity of mind. I wanted to be done with the days of 4 desktop spaces with 7 chrome windows with 15 tabs each, which were cluttering my brain and diluting my focus.
I aspired to close all of my tabs each night, but honestly this was a hard task to enforce and a hard habit to take up. Perhaps I should’ve just shut down my computer each night instead.
All in all, I would still recommend attempting to start each day with a blank computer screen, especially if you’re a tab hoarder. Just know that it’s hard.
March Experiment: it’s not going well, but I have hope an app
I started March attempting to limit my iPhone screen time, because haven’t we all? And like everyone else’s experience, it honestly wasn’t very helpful.
One day while flipping through Instagram stories (yes, I’ve bid it hello again), I came across Opal and subsequently downloaded it because that is what I do. Opal is an app that essentially does what Apple’s Screen Time and App Limits should do; with the same goals as the native iOS capability but it offers more granular controls over app time limits, schedule, and levels of difficulty to ignore, and I think much more that I haven’t configured yet.
I may have also forgotten to cancel my 1 week trial and now I pay for this app. So, now I can offer all of you lucky people a 1 MONTH free trial. But just know that it’s not really FREE because I’ve already PAID for this app so “it’s on me” I guess. You’re welcome. 4
I don’t own any wearables, but I’d buy this.
It’s also unfortunate that most people reading this are my age or a little older, because I don’t really know anyone who is 22. Not that you need to be 22 to get value out of it. In fact, the author defines Quarterlife as the period between adolescence and midlife, so that would be most of you.
Perhaps a sign that this is where I need the most help.
I will also add it’s been funny to think that, without intentionally striving to do so, something like a ritual of writing lists of likes and dislikes, which is a starting point in self-definition, might’ve been an exercise in listening (or is it separating?).
Is this what influencing is like? (Answer is NO because it would’ve at least been free for me if I were influencing)
Never heard of Opal - definitely will check out/recommend to friends!
Hi I’d like my reading pls