openness, rituals but not traditions, evolving routines
an exploration in past and current selves through list-making
In this writing club I’m a part of, my friend Lily recently assigned us to reflect on our “sense of self”, with some suggested prompts:
Do you feel like your sense of self is ever-evolving or do you think it has been pretty consistent these past few years? How does your sense of self change by those around you (e.g. family, close friends, significant other, environment)? What are your north stars guiding you to the person you want to be and for those that have already arrived at the person you want to be, what north stars did you follow?
My first thought was that it might be entertaining to construct and deconstruct my personality~~ through various frameworks (MBTI, enneagram, astrology, etc) through time. However, a paragraph in, I realized that investigating evolutions of personality isn’t quite the same thing as having or not having a sense of self. And, I also realized I’ve been incidentally preparing to answer this prompt for the past many years.
Beginning from when I read this Brain Pickings article: Susan Sontag on Why Lists Appeal to Us, Plus Her Listed Likes and Dislikes: How lists confer value and guarantee existence. Over the years, I’ve authored a number of these hastily written stream-of-conscious lists, which are now paper time capsules of who I was at a small moment in time. For Lily’s essay prompt, they served as evidence of my past selves, as I strung together the parts of the self I once held, and the parts I still hold. My only ask is that you don’t hold any of these dusty, ephemeral proclamations of likes and dislikes against me.
My cringiest and most paradoxical list was my first one, written the 7th of July in 2015. The long list of things I was “into” included: setting goals, utilizing to-do lists, making a habit of competition, using verbs, contemplating awe, being unimpressed, pushing myself, jogging, responding later, thinking positively, being critical, and listening to podcasts while cooking, and a shorter lists of things I was “not into” included: lack of ambition, uncreatives, smokers, stagnant nouns, lack of substance, TV shows, negativity, chivalry, fickle decision making, messy rooms, dirty kitchens, and irresponsibility.
I wish my past self could see my current self rolling my eyes after every comma. Little did I know then that being impressed by the world is a better way to go about life than being stoically unimpressed by everything. And chivalry? Did I really hate it? TV shows? Did I forget that my favorites? Turns out 22 wasn’t just happy, free, confused, and lonely, but also pretentious, overly disciplined, and really fucking annoying, at the same time.
Half a year later on the first of January in 2016, I calmed down a bit. My list of "things I'm into" included more whimsical items like: oolong tea, quirky socks, and Dasein, as well as things that still ring true today like: making playlists, Scandinavian design, loaves of multigrain sourdough, and goals (again). But it also included things that were clear influences of where I was in life and what I was doing: taking public transport in foreign countries (literally my job at the time), Mediterranean sea breezes (since I went to Barcelona a few months prior), being friends with coworkers (the very ones I traveled with). And the “things I’m not into right now” list includes a few things I could still see myself agreeing with in dislike: middle-age anxiety, suburbia, satisfaction, the idea of "should", marriage, heteronormativity, Donald Trump, creative blocks, the oil and gas industry, driving everywhere, queasiness, dust, and holding on too tightly.
Reading through 6 years of lists, I can’t help but wonder if it means anything when something shows up on these likes/dislikes lists across several years? What does it mean that the dislike of dust, clutter, class disparity, and negativity have been mentioned multiple times? Would it be true to say that my like of water motifs, tea, lemons, and nuance are somehow defining aspects of my self? I would say probably not.
Choosing to indulge in this act of semi-routinely making lists probably says more about who I am than the actual words themselves, which are if anything, reflections of my environment and reality in that moment. In general, stream-of-conscious list-making might be more a practice in word association than self definition. For example, in 2019, the likes list included (in this order): nice things, raw things, sushi.
In my most recent likes/dislikes list, the last three “likes” I'd listed were: openness, rituals but not traditions, evolving routines, and the last three “dislikes” I'd listed were: restlessness sometimes, old pillows, dry hands. This was written in May 2020.
My takeaway from an afternoon of resurrecting old journals is that I’m a person who finds meaning in this ritual of making lists of likes and dislikes. That this act of documenting feels like a way of coming back into your sense of self, as if every word on paper is a small but not paper-thin shout into the void of the universe “I exist!”
Three very different but very mellow electronic songs for today:
From Me by Cri
From me.
virgo by Jadu Jadu
From me, a virgo rising.
Resurrections by Lena Raine
I don’t play Celeste because I don’t play video games (nothing against them though), but I can’t stop listening to this song.
Happy listening, and thanks for reading!
Angela